Learning to communicate with intentions 

Duration: 20 days

How many of you have communicated when they are emotionally overwhelmed and later regret?  Sometimes emotionally flooded people communicate from their emotional upheaval, anger, fear, sadness which has immediate effects on people around them. 

To regulate the emotional spike the exercise power of pause should be practiced. However, it is very important to understand what are different communication stances which will help you to understand others’ perception about you.

Following are the 5 different stances of communications:

• Placating is a way of communicating where a person tries to please others. So, the coping mechanism of a people pleasing person will be more repression of anger.
• Blaming is a way of communicating where a person often blames others and does not like to take responsibility for their actions or reactions. So, the coping mechanism of a blamer is often a loud explosion of emotional outburst.
• Super logic is a way of communication where a person communicates from only logic without understanding the emotions and sentiments. So, the coping mechanism of a super logical person will be expressed in terms of logic only without understanding the sentimental value. 
• Distracting is a way of communication where a person’s way of communication is a stress response stance where a person avoids acknowledging their own feelings, the feelings of others, or the context of the situation. The individual essentially ignores the problem and hopes it will go away. So, the coping mechanism of a distracting way of communication will be avoidance of the situation.
• Congruency is a way of communication that involves the alignment of one’s words, feelings, and actions, resulting in open, honest, and authentic expression. It means that what is said verbally matches what is felt internally and what is conveyed through body language, creating a message of integrity and clarity. This is a state where a person is operating with self-love.  This contrasts with defensive styles like blaming, placating, and being overly reasonable, irrelevant and requires self-awareness, self-acceptance, and respect for both oneself and others. A person is operating at secure attachment at this level.

Answer these Self-Reflection Questions for Communication Stances

1. What communication stance do I most frequently use—placating, blaming, super logical, distracting, or congruency?
2. In what stressful situations does my stance tend to shift, and how?
3. How do I feel about myself after communicating from this stance?
4. When was the last time my way of communicating hurt or confused someone I care about?
5. What feedback have I received from others about my communication style?
6. How do I react when others use placating, blaming, logical, or distracting styles with me?
7. What emotions tend to drive my non-congruent communication?
8. What beliefs or fears keep me from being congruent in my communication?
9. How could aligning my words, feelings, and body language change my relationships?
10. What would congruent communication look and sound like for me in a specific challenging situation?

Start these Exercises to Improve Communication Toward Congruency

• Power of Pause: When feeling emotionally flooded, pause, breathe for 10 seconds, and check in with your body and feelings before responding.
• Emotion Naming Practice: Before communicating, name your emotion (“I feel angry, sad, worried…”) and notice the sensations associated with it (use the Emotional Sensation Wheel for support).
• Authentic Journaling: Write out what you feel and what you want to say, then compare—are they congruent? Edit for alignment.
• Role Play: Practice expressing your feelings, needs, and thoughts authentically to a trusted friend or in front of a mirror.
• Self-Compassion Break: If you catch yourself placating or blaming, place a hand on your heart and affirm, “I am safe to express my truth.”
• Feedback Loop: Invite feedback from loved ones about how your communication impacts them, and commit to one change each week.
• Congruency Script: Create a personal script for difficult conversations that includes honest feeling statements, clear needs, and respectful boundaries.

Consistently practicing these self-reflection questions and exercises leads to deeper self-awareness, more authentic relationships, and healthier, congruent communication anchored in self-respect and empathy.